YES will change your life

Yes can change you and your situation. 

I said yes to myself and my life has changed drastically.

I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams.

I have made a decision to live my truth.

No longer doing anything because I have to, only doing what I want to do.

Only doing things that are aligned with my spirit.

I said yes to myself.

As a result of this, I am shedding. Shedding cells, shedding tears, shedding relationships, shedding unhealthy behaviors, shedding emotions, shedding my old way of being.

There are moments when I feel as if I cannot breathe. The tears continue to flow and there is so much pain. OH how a glass of wine, sitting outside in the sun would make this feeling go away.

“Bullshit” says my spirit. “This pain is not going to kill you. Experience this pain, respect this pain, listen to it. Your pain wants to be released. It wants to move, It wants to flow. So just let it be”.

The tears are flowing. They represent so much. They represent not having a voice, the decisions I have made against my truth, ignoring red flags, speaking against myself and letting others take charge of me.

Tears today represent my fatigue and the disbelief that I am so damn exhausted. Tears flow because today I realize I have hidden behind my work. Serving others to the point I have pained myself.

Hiding, committing more and more of myself to service as an excuse to not participate in my own life.

Why was I in a relationship where there was no room for me? I couldn’t move a piece of art, purchase furniture and add my feminine touch.

What does that mean? I gave up? That there are a million questions here? I will evaluate this over time; for now, I am just acknowledging what is.

Maybe I was in so much disbelief and feeling so vulnerable, tired, embarrassed, and traumatized that I just looked beyond any and every indicator of control all in the name of creating a false sense of security and happiness.

Loveless was the operative word.

I recall becoming very angry with a therapist that told me I was in a loveless marriage.

She was so right, I fired her!

I had the nerve to tell myself she didn’t know what the hell she was talking about.

I will never forget that moment. She came to my home for our sessions as I was recovering from self inflicted injuries as I threw myself out of a moving vehicle on a highway.

I was so desperate to get away from him, that life, that without even thinking about the consequences, I opened the door and jumped.

Like a caged animal, I could feel my heart thumping, the hairs on my skin standing, vision sharp and poised to lunge. In that moment, I only wanted relief from the pain — irrationally accepting the jump as freedom.

I felt the wind and then my body bouncing on the pavement. I was HOT. As I rolled from one lane to the far right, I could see vehicles moving in my direction at high speeds swerving and slowing. I bet they were wondering, “What the fuck just happened?” or “OMG, did I just see that?”

I could see the vehicle I jumped from slowing and then screeching to a halt with the passenger door swinging.

I saw the tail lights. They appeared bright and yet hazy from the night’s fog and dust particles.

The vehicle began to back up. My husband jumped out and all I could do is ROAR.

I felt wild, I felt angry, I felt caught and disappointed that again I made a choice to accept his help, accept him to rescue me.

Why didn’t I refuse his help?

Well, I didn’t want to be 5150’d. Surely I’d earned it. I had just thrown myself out of a moving vehicle on the freeway. I needed to be hospitalized or at least evaluated.

Regardless, my body was having a vile reaction to his presence.

Instead of calling for emergency assistance, I get into the car cursing myself. Myself, and not him — Why? Because I had accepted the fact that I hated myself for being with him. I did not accept the way he loved me, I did not feel connected to him, I felt disrespected and disregarded by him and knew he was not my friend.

I married to have an equal partner, but something within me knew it wasn’t him. Yet I dismissed every red flag waving before me and did it anyway.

I was so ashamed of myself.

In that moment, I realized how angry I had been with myself and how I had caused my own anguish.

So, in true form, I walked into an ER, told the truth on myself in that I threw myself out of a moving car.

I suppose my truth presented as sane and that I had a momentary lapse in judgement.

My wounds were cleaned, I was bandaged up, given a pain killer, told to follow up with my PCP and a referral to a therapist.

I couldn’t believe I told on myself and they let me go! I am still amazed.

I was treated with so much sensitivity and compassion.

They gave me everything in those few moments that I could not give myself. Their display of care mirrored what I needed to offer myself.

In just one unexpected moment I learned how to be gentle and compassionate towards myself.

Can you see the flow of this scenario?

I followed the discharge recommendations of the ER. My PCP told me that she had never seen me so unstable, and wondered if I was safe at home. I thought her question was a bit odd, however, I was not able to connect the dots; or maybe I made a choice to not fully consider what she was suggesting.

I met up with my therapist and she told me what I knew, and I became angry with her and never saw her again. I was so indignant, and was pissed I had to pay for the session. I paid this woman $200 to tell me that I was in a loveless marriage and dissociated.

My mind was on fire! I was saying to myself, “REALLY? I am paying you to tell me what to do, not point out my pain. Shit, now I am feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed again. I have to pay you again to repair my reaction to your damn observation”.

I could not wait for her to get out of my house. I knew I would never see her again. I knew she was right and I was so ashamed and overwhelmed by my mistake that I could not bare deliberate and intimate conversation that broached the issue. I shut that conversation down.

All because I was not ready to face the truth.

The beauty of this is, I could see how my active participation in denial blocked my flow of positivity.

My vision was blurred and passion dimmed.

Resentment flourished in me. Frustration exhausted me. Possibilities escaped me.

My ability to see beyond my situation was clouded and I could no longer hear my spirit, that inner knowing that challenged my thoughts and encouraged me to be curious, innovative and courageous.

All I knew to do was survive. And so I gave in. Gave in to fear and dwelled in debilitating anxiety to the point of paralyzation.

Survive. And I did just that — survived, until I got honest and began to release, let go, and shed the many layers of shit that were no longer serving me.

I survived until I hit rock bottom. I was experiencing adrenal fatigue or something. My body was tired. My mind was tired. I was emotionally drained.

I pulled out of social groups, I stopped volunteering, I closed my therapy practice, I distanced myself from family and friends that drained my energy and got busy dreaming again.

I took huge steps, at time sprints, all in the name of me; my truth and my freedom.

I will no longer live a lie. I can no longer live a lie.

This process was not easy then, and I continue on the journey today.

There is a great sense of calm that moves through my body. Energy is freely flowing throughout my body again.

I smile as I am able to see the path before me and feel confident in my ability to be guided by that for which is not seen by the naked eye, but guided by my inner truth.

Now that I have freed myself from circumstances, relationships, and responsibilities that have not served me, I feel a bit mixed up. The idea is motion. Recalibrating my mind as I have available time and bandwidth to explore possibilities.

I say yes to myself.

I say yes to freedom.

I say yes to the many wonders of life. And I am so grateful that I am here.

I say yes to myself and now I am feeling energized. I have made a decision to live my truth.

No longer doing anything because I have to, only doing what I want to do.

Only doing things that are in alignment with my spirit.

Desi Wenzel

Desi Wenzel is a Self Care Consultant and Mindset Coach helping overwhelmed, overworked superwomen find their joy, peace of mind, and passion for life and her business through Digital Courses, Coaching and Retreats.